I was bulimic for a time and find the popular depiction of the condition to be ridiculous, that of binging add purging. Really it was like you said: an extreme aversion to the feeling of being full and a sickening awareness of being a flesh and blood animal. Good essay. Merry Christmas
So interesting. These are the kind of posts I love. Not revelling in your own suffering but curious about it; about how life in the complicated modern world twists all sensitive souls into strange shapes.
I remember watching a documentary about 30 years ago about people with anorexia and being struck by how they often came across as clever and sensitive. I wonder if only certain kinds of people suffer from it. Not, say, Bernard Manning.
I think the idea that, ' You never really know what a hammer is until it's broken' is true and that when you come out the other side you have a much better understanding of the human condition and your own vulnerability.
I also think you're right in saying that something is lost by resorting to quick external fixes. I have related discussions with my sister. She views gardening as going to garden centres and buying nice plants. I view it as making my own compost and growing flowers from seed that I have harvested from the previous year's plants. I think I know my garden much better than she knows hers though I'd have to say that her garden looks better than mine!
Your sentence, 'I would have loved to step out of my skin — to slip across the world without physical encumbrances' reminded me of Philip Larkin's poem 'Absences', though in his poem there is no physical repulsion, just the bracing vision of a world free of Larkin's consciousness of self. https://www.poeticous.com/philip-larkin/absences
'Male pattern balding'. That was funny. I'm here to tell you that it really isn't that bad. People assume you're not good looking because of your baldness rather than the truth that you never were.
21 years ago, I was tremendously ashamed of my body. Didn't want anyone to see it. Hated how other people had "pecs" while I just seemed to have "ribs". But most shameful of all were my genitals ― God's word certainly left an impression that those things were dirty and icky.
And yet also so weirdly... fascinating and alluring.
There was an interesting intellectual puzzle there about why God created these ugly organs, created the sex drive and then insisted we were to obey Him and disobey his much more visceral creation. TL;DR I ended up atheist ― but in the meantime I was ashamed, intensely and irrationally. Someone could be standing naked in front of me and I'd be fine with it, perversely happy even, but the thought of this same person seeing me was unacceptable.
But one day I came across the Christian anti-shame site reject-shame.com[1], then the ClothesFree forums, and so on until I resolved to accept my body and be a naturist. The early parts were great ― walking around the house nude when everyone else was gone; closing my eyes and running my finger from my head all the way down to my toes and feeling, in a new way, that these body parts are all connected to one another...
It was hard at first to show myself to others, but I'm glad I did. After awhile I had rejected shame so completely that I realized ― upon encountering someone who was uncomfortable seeing my body ― that I needed something to replace it. Before, the main reason I wore clothes was social convention and shame. I actually needed to develop a new sense, something different from shame, that some people could be uncomfortable seeing another human unadorned (and themselves, for that matter) and I needed to be mindful of that. This respect for others is a far better mechanism than shame, and I highly recommend it.
"An informal sort of mind-body dualism will always define our sense of self."
Didn't always, won't forever. Shouldn't.
Unless when saying "our" we take the possessing referent to be "Westerners" rather than "people." In which case the "won't forever" above needs a "be around" inserted.
Your former bodily dysmorphia.....you might find this an interesting read: https://grahamcunningham.substack.com/p/the-less-desired
Merry Christmas
Thanks Graham! Merry Christmas!
BDS waxing philosophical. Love it.
This line was especially resonant:
"A relationship is the product of shared struggle, and of appreciation of parts becoming whole."
Thanks sirrah!
I was bulimic for a time and find the popular depiction of the condition to be ridiculous, that of binging add purging. Really it was like you said: an extreme aversion to the feeling of being full and a sickening awareness of being a flesh and blood animal. Good essay. Merry Christmas
Thank you! Glad you recovered. Merry Christmas!
So interesting. These are the kind of posts I love. Not revelling in your own suffering but curious about it; about how life in the complicated modern world twists all sensitive souls into strange shapes.
I remember watching a documentary about 30 years ago about people with anorexia and being struck by how they often came across as clever and sensitive. I wonder if only certain kinds of people suffer from it. Not, say, Bernard Manning.
I think the idea that, ' You never really know what a hammer is until it's broken' is true and that when you come out the other side you have a much better understanding of the human condition and your own vulnerability.
I also think you're right in saying that something is lost by resorting to quick external fixes. I have related discussions with my sister. She views gardening as going to garden centres and buying nice plants. I view it as making my own compost and growing flowers from seed that I have harvested from the previous year's plants. I think I know my garden much better than she knows hers though I'd have to say that her garden looks better than mine!
Your sentence, 'I would have loved to step out of my skin — to slip across the world without physical encumbrances' reminded me of Philip Larkin's poem 'Absences', though in his poem there is no physical repulsion, just the bracing vision of a world free of Larkin's consciousness of self. https://www.poeticous.com/philip-larkin/absences
'Male pattern balding'. That was funny. I'm here to tell you that it really isn't that bad. People assume you're not good looking because of your baldness rather than the truth that you never were.
Thank you sir! That's a lovely Larkin poem. I hadn't read it in years.
21 years ago, I was tremendously ashamed of my body. Didn't want anyone to see it. Hated how other people had "pecs" while I just seemed to have "ribs". But most shameful of all were my genitals ― God's word certainly left an impression that those things were dirty and icky.
And yet also so weirdly... fascinating and alluring.
There was an interesting intellectual puzzle there about why God created these ugly organs, created the sex drive and then insisted we were to obey Him and disobey his much more visceral creation. TL;DR I ended up atheist ― but in the meantime I was ashamed, intensely and irrationally. Someone could be standing naked in front of me and I'd be fine with it, perversely happy even, but the thought of this same person seeing me was unacceptable.
But one day I came across the Christian anti-shame site reject-shame.com[1], then the ClothesFree forums, and so on until I resolved to accept my body and be a naturist. The early parts were great ― walking around the house nude when everyone else was gone; closing my eyes and running my finger from my head all the way down to my toes and feeling, in a new way, that these body parts are all connected to one another...
It was hard at first to show myself to others, but I'm glad I did. After awhile I had rejected shame so completely that I realized ― upon encountering someone who was uncomfortable seeing my body ― that I needed something to replace it. Before, the main reason I wore clothes was social convention and shame. I actually needed to develop a new sense, something different from shame, that some people could be uncomfortable seeing another human unadorned (and themselves, for that matter) and I needed to be mindful of that. This respect for others is a far better mechanism than shame, and I highly recommend it.
[1] https://web.archive.org/web/20030207081615/http://www.reject-shame.com/
"An informal sort of mind-body dualism will always define our sense of self."
Didn't always, won't forever. Shouldn't.
Unless when saying "our" we take the possessing referent to be "Westerners" rather than "people." In which case the "won't forever" above needs a "be around" inserted.
I meant "our" in a local sense but valid point. It wasn’t clear.